


God Save the Cream

by LordValeryMimes



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Food Kink, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-20
Updated: 2017-11-20
Packaged: 2019-02-04 20:21:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12778773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordValeryMimes/pseuds/LordValeryMimes
Summary: When Kryten decides to treat the Dwarfers to a unique dining experience, Lister sees it as an opportunity to have some fun.





	God Save the Cream

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to cazflibs for giving this a quick beta!
> 
> Thanks to Rob Grant and Doug Naylor for creating these characters so I could make them get up to all sorts of smeg.

“Of all the daft ideas that bog-bot has come up with, this has got to be the daftest,” Rimmer hissed as he tottered his way through the darkness, his hand clamped tightly to Lister’s shoulder.

Lister turned his head and whispered at the hologram, “C’mon Rimmer, try and be nice. He’s gone to a lot of trouble to set this up.” Lister turned his head back as he attempted to look around the now-unfamiliar inside of Parrot’s. It was like he’d wandered into deep space but someone had turned off all of the stars. Kryten had gone to great lengths to remove every source of light, and blocked the entrance with a double layer of thick black curtains. Lister couldn’t stop his eyes whizzing around as they instinctively searched for any recognizable shape in the blackness. It was completely disorientating.

“I don’t understand what the smegging point of this is! We can’t even see our own hands in front of our faces. How on Io are we going to be able to eat a three course dinner?”

“Just give it a chance, will you?” Kryten was leading Lister through the room with a rubbery hand, the others following behind him in a conga line. “Are we almost there, Krytes?”

“Yes, Mr Lister sir. Your table is right here!” Kryten guided Lister’s fingers to the back of a chair.

“Thank goodness for that!” Cat called out as the rest of them slowly felt their way into their seats, “If I have to keep my hand on volcano nostril’s shoulder for much longer, I’m going to need a shower!” Rimmer ignored the insult as he craned his head around, desperately trying to see anything in the pitch darkness.

“I can’t see a thing! This is ridiculous!”

“Well that’s the idea, sir!” Kryten said happily as he bustled about in the darkness with no difficulties and poured their drinks. “I read about it in an old copy of Delicious that I found in the Captain’s quarters. The idea is that the sight deprivation heightens your remaining senses. Your senses of taste, smell and touch should all be enhanced, thereby making your dining experience an especially extraordinary one.”

“Extraordinary isn’t the word I’d pick for it,” Rimmer muttered as Kryten finished pouring his white wine with Perrier.

“How are you going to serve us in the dark, man?” Lister asked as he felt around for his lager.

“Oh that’s no problem for me, sir. My eyes are outfitted with a wide range of ocular features. Night vision comes standard with all series 4000 Divadroid mechanoids. Now if you’ll just sit tight, I’ll be serving your first course very shortly.” The others swiveled their heads around in the darkness while the sound of Kryten’s boots grew softer as he made his way back to the kitchen.

“Man, it’s so dark in here, I can’t even see myself! This is a tragedy!” Cat cried out as he moved his mirror around in the dark, desperately searching for his reflection.

“You could do with some time off from gazing at your reflection anyway, Cat. You already spent two hours preening and prepping before we came here.” Lister pointed out.

“Time off from gazing at my reflection? I’m going to just pretend I never heard that!” Cat grumbled as he snapped the mirror closed.

“The whole idea is positively ludicrous. Food is food! I doubt the slop that metal maniac cooks is going to taste any better, just because we can’t see it.” Rimmer grumbled as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

“Come on guys, you know how important this is to Kryten. Now whether it’s weird or not, let’s just suck it up, eat our food, and try and be grateful to him for trying to do something nice for us, yeah? He’s been all excited to cook for us since we were able to restock at that last derelict ship. Besides, eating in the dark might be… interesting.”

“Interesting?” Rimmer scoffed. “In what way could doing something as ludicrous as eating in complete darkness in a room where we know damned well there are perfectly good working lights, be interesting?”

The clank of metal boots signaled Kryten’s return. “Here is your first course, sirs! A salmon ceviche with lemon, tomatoes, and a bit of coriander!” They could only hear the clunk and scrape as the mechanoid set their plates in front of them. “I hope you enjoy!”

“FISH!” Cat cried out as he tucked in eagerly.

“Salmon ceviche?” Lister asked as he leaned in towards Rimmer who was sat at his left. “What’s a ceviche?”

“If I recall, it’s when they marinate raw fish.”

“Raw fish?” Lister wrinkled his nose unhappily.

“What’s the problem, Listy?” Rimmer chortled as he felt around for his knife and fork and began pushing his own starter around on his plate. “Aren’t you GRATEFUL to Kryten for doing something so nice for us?”

“Ugh,” Lister groaned as he pushed his plate away from him. “Cat, man. You can have mine.”

“Two fish?!” Cat mumbled excitedly through his mouthful. From the sounds he was making, Lister was pretty certain he had forgone silverware in favor of just eating directly from the plate.

“Have it,” Lister replied as he slipped his hand under the table and felt around for the shiny material of the hologram’s trousers. “I’m sure there'll be something else that I like better.”   

Rimmer jumped slightly as Lister’s fingers squeezed his upper thigh. “What are you doing?” He cried out. He couldn’t see Lister’s cheeky grin in the darkness, otherwise he’d easily have guessed the Scouser’s intent.

“What?” Cat replied indignantly. “I’m eating my fish!”

“Sssh!” Lister hissed at Rimmer as he reached out his other hand to cover the hologram’s lips with a finger. He missed in the dark and pressed his fingertip into the hologram’s cheek. “Sorry,” he whispered as he continued to fondle the hologram’s thigh with his other hand. “It is awful dark in here innit?” Lister purred as he leaned over and whispered into the hologram’s ear. “No one can see us, ya know?”

“You do realize you’re talking into my shoulder, right?”

“Look, just shut up and try to stay quiet.” Lister grumbled softly as he slid his hand higher on the hologram’s thigh and dragged his fingers teasingly across the bulge in Rimmer’s trousers.

“Oh…” Rimmer gasped as Lister’s tickling fingers jump-started a rush of blood to his nether regions. “Oh, yes. I see now.” Lister coughed to cover up the sound as he pulled down Rimmer’s zipper. The hologram gasped as Lister wrapped a hand around his rapidly hardening cock. “Oh my…” he called out, licking at his lips as Lister fondled him. “Oh that’s good. Oh yes.”

“Yeah, it actually is good! Old rubber face really outdid himself this time didn’t he?” Cat replied cheerfully as he continued to tuck into his two ceviches.

Lister chuckled as he slid his hand up and down Rimmer’s stiffening shaft. “Yeah, Cat. I think Rimmer here’s really enjoying it.”

“Yes,” Rimmer replied as he squirmed in his seat. “I rather am. Oh god!” He squeaked as Lister swirled his thumb in a circle underneath the head of his cock. As Rimmer’s prick became fully hard, Lister began to pump it lazily. Rimmer thrust his hips into Lister’s hand as the oblivious Cat polished off his two starters.

As a familiar metallic clanking filled the room, Lister gave the hologram’s cock one last squeeze before putting his hand back in his lap. “And how was everything, sirs?”

“Really fantastic, Krytes. That was a first class ceviche.”

“Yeah, and the fish was good too!” Cat said happily.

“Oh that’s wonderful sirs,” Kryten’s happy voice rang out through the darkness. “I just knew you’d enjoy it.”

“You should have heard the sounds Rimmer was making while he ate it,” Lister teased as he snaked his hand back into the hologram’s lap and stroked his index finger along the whole length of his stiffy.

“Yeeaahhhhhh haaaa! I mean, yes.” The hologram blurted out as he gripped onto the table. “Yes, thank you Kryten.”

“I’ll just take these dishes away, and I’ll be back shortly with the main course.” Rimmer sucked his breath in sharply as Lister’s fingers wrapped themselves back around his cock and began to stroke it in long slow pulls.

“Oh god,” Rimmer cried out as each caress of Lister’s hand sent sparks of pleasure through his groin. “Oh god!”

“Oh god, what?” Cat called out in confusion. “What’s happening?”

“Erm… oh god I… I can’t wait for... the next course.” Rimmer managed to spit out between tugs on his love stick.

“Yeah,” Lister agreed as he quickened the pace of his strokes slightly. “I hope it’s a big one, with lots of meat.”

“I prefer fish!” Cat grumbled.

Once again Kryten’s arrival was first signaled by his heavy metal footfalls. Lister paused his administrations, but kept his hand wrapped firmly around Rimmer’s prick. “Here you are sirs.” He said cheerfully as he set down the plates. “Stuffed turkey meatballs with pasta and fresh pesto. Enjoy!” Rimmer bit down on his lip to keep quiet as Lister resumed stroking him while the mechanoid returned to the kitchens.

“What’s turkey?” Cat asked.

“Some sort of big chicken,” Lister replied distractedly as he focused on the hot, stiff prick in his hand.

“Big chicken!” Cat cried out in delight. He stabbed at his plate with his fork until he hit a meatball.

“Turkey meatballs and pasta? What’s the smegger trying to do to me?” Lister shook his head as he pushed his plate across the table with his free hand. “You can have mine, Cat.”

“Thanks, buddy!” Cat flashed a toothy grin that no one could see while Lister slid to the floor and felt his way between Rimmer’s legs.

“Lister, what are you…” Rimmer clamped his mouth shut as he felt two insistent hands begin to tug at his trousers. Without even thinking, the hologram raised his backside off the seat and Lister quickly had his trousers and pants down around his ankles. Rimmer cringed at the feeling of the seat’s plastic upholstery against his buttocks, but then a firm hot tongue began to lap its way from his knees to his joy department, and he quickly forgot about the unpleasantness of the plastic seat. “Oh, god!” He cried out as Lister spread his thighs apart with his hands and began to lick and suck at his bollocks. “Oh, god!”

“Come on, dude! The meatballs are good, but they’re nothing worth screaming about,” Cat said as he shook his head.

Rimmer bit down on his tongue as Lister slurped contentedly at one ball, and then the other. Back and forth he went, while Rimmer struggled desperately to keep quiet. His meal forgotten, he reached down and gripped the seat like a vice as Lister slipped an entire ball into his mouth and began to suck on it languidly.

“Oh for smeg’s sake,” Rimmer groaned as Lister’s hands returned to his prick and began to pump it while he continued sucking on the lower half of his package.

“What?” Cat grumbled, his mouth full.

“Just I…. Ahhhh!!!” Rimmer jumped as Lister bit him playfully on the inside of his thighs. “I just… wish we had some… er grated cheese. That’s… that’s all.”

“Did I hear someone say grated cheese?” Kryten’s voice echoed from outside the darkened room.

“Yeah! Goalpost Head here says he wants some!”

“Smeg,” Lister muttered into Rimmer’s crotch as Kryten’s footfalls returned and he quickly felt his way back to his seat.

“Is everything alright, Mr Lister sir?”

“Yeah, Krytes,” Lister replied as he cleared his throat. “Just er… dropped me fork.” Lister scrabbled his hands across the table until they wrapped around a pointy bit of metal. He held it up and waggled it in his fingers. “Found it!”

“Oh, well let me get you a clean one, sir!”

“It’s no problem, Krytes. Why don’t you just take the plates away, Yeah?”

“You don’t want grated cheese, Mr Rimmer?”

The hologram, breathless, struggled to reply. “No… thank you Kryten I’m… I’m fine.”

“All right sir, I’ll just take your plates away then. How did you like the meatballs? Oh, you hardly touched yours Mr Rimmer!”

“Yes, erm… well. You see… I’m… allergic to… meatballs?” The hologram shook his head at the lameness of his response as he felt around for his white wine spritzer and took a heavy slug.

“Really, sir? I don’t think I ever saw that mentioned in your medical history.”

“Don’t worry, Krytes.” Lister interjected. “They were really class. So firm and succulent. I couldn’t get ‘em in me mouth fast enough.” Rimmer’s cheeks reddened in the blackness as he drained the rest of his cocktail.

“Oh wonderful, sir! I’ll be back with the dessert in just a moment!” As the mechanoid retreated, Lister slipped his hand back between the hologram’s thighs and used his saliva-slicked fingers to stroke him firmly.

“Oh god,” Rimmer groaned as Lister milked him.

“What’s your deal, dude? We don’t even have anything to eat right now!”

“I’m just… looking forward to the dessert.” Rimmer shivered as Lister squeezed the head of his cock.

“Ooh! Good point, non-buddy! I hope it’s got lots of cream!”

“Oh I’m sure there’ll be loads of it,” Lister smirked as he gave a few quick twirls of his thumb to the underside of Rimmer’s cock.

“Oh god, yes!” Rimmer cried out as Lister squeezed him tighter and stroked him faster.

“I hope you’re ready for this!” Kryten’s cheerful voice echoed against the walls as he made his way back to the table.

“Yes I am!” Rimmer groaned as Lister’s hand stalled in his lap and they heard the heavy clunk of plates being set out on the table.

“I think you’ll really enjoy this one, sirs! Chocolate mousse with fresh cream!”

“Cream!” Cat cried out happily as he quickly tucked in.

“I’m just going to get started on those dinner dishes, but please, do dig in!” Kryten clomped away with an audible spring in his step.

“Sorry, Cat. I’m not sharing mine this time.” Lister grinned as he grabbed blindly until his hands found the bowl of mousse and cream and he slid back under the table.

“He can have mine,” Rimmer pushed his own bowl over to the Cat who claimed it gleefully. Rimmer stiffened as he felt Lister push his way back between his thighs.

"Y'know what this dessert could really use?" Lister asked from beneath the table.

"I have no idea," Rimmer grumbled while he waited in expectation. 

"Some nuts." Suddenly there was a cool, wet sensation around his love tackle and although he couldn’t see, Rimmer still looked down into his lap, puzzled.

“Lister, what are you…? Is that?” A hot tongue suddenly licked up the whole length of his prick, taking the cool sensation with it.

“Mmm,” came Lister’s muffled voice from under the table. “Creamy.” Rimmer groaned as a sensation of stickiness started to spread between his thighs.

“Did you really have to pour the whole damned… oh smeg,” Rimmer’s complaints were cut off by a heavy moan as Lister’s full lips suddenly slid down over his swollen head.

“I can’t help it, Rimmer. You know I can’t resist chocolate and cream.” Lister let out a perverse amount of contented moans and sighs as he sucked and licked every inch of the hologram’s cock and balls. “I don’t want any of this to go to waste.” He quickened his pace as Rimmer’s thighs began to shake.

“Oh yes, Lister. Oh God!”

“What’s got YOU so damned exciting about him eating his dessert?” Cat asked as he stared confusedly into the darkness.

“N… Nothing!” Rimmer cried out, his voice an octave higher than usual. “It’s just so good! Oh God! So damned good!”

“Oh yeah,” Lister mumbled around his mouthful of cock. “I’m getting to the really good bit now.”

“Oh God!” Rimmer cried out as his balls tightened against him and his pleasure centers started to overload. “Oh SMEG!” Lister gripped onto the hologram’s thighs as Rimmer came hard, flooding his mouth with a mix of chocolate, cream, and come that disappeared as soon as he swallowed.

Rimmer fell back to the seat, panting as Lister continued to worm his tongue into every nook and crevasse, making sure he got every bit of dessert lapped up from the hologram’s crotch.

“Mr Lister, what are you doing with your head in Mr Rimmer’s lap?”

“Smeg,” Rimmer groaned as he clapped his hands over his face in embarrassment. They had both been so engrossed in what Lister had been doing between his legs, that they’d failed to hear Kryten return.

“Erm…” Lister froze mid-lick and tucked his tongue back into his mouth. “Rimmer just… spilled a bit of his dessert and erm… didn’t want it going to waste?”

“But what happened to your trousers, Mr Rimmer sir? You don’t normally wear them around your ankles like that do you?”

“Erm…” Rimmer winced at the sensation of stickiness in his groin as he hurriedly tried to pull them back up. “I got a bit hot?”

“I was just coming to see if anyone wanted tea or coffee?”

“No thanks, Krytes. I think me and Rimmer are just going to pop back to our quarters now. Feelin’ a bit sleepy after all that food, yeah? It was great though, Krytie. Thanks for that!” Lister bashed his head on the underside of the table as he tried to extricate himself from between Rimmer’s thighs. “Ah! Smeg!”

“Yes,” Rimmer replied as he struggled to get his trousers zipped. “It certainly was… an experience. Come on, Lister.” The two men stumbled and bumped into each other as they desperately tried to find their way out of the dark room.

“Would you like me to help you find the…”

“No Thank you, Kryten.” Rimmer interrupted. “We’ll manage!” The hologram hissed as his shin connected with a chair leg before they finally managed to trip through the double layer of thick black curtains that lead to the light.

“Man,” Cat shook his head as he began eating Rimmer’s chocolate mousse. “The next time you should pack their dinner in a to-go box and they can eat by themselves. Those guys are way too kinky.”

**Author's Note:**

> I had to do this dining in the dark thing at a business dinner last week and I thought it was incredibly stupid, but at least it gave me the plot bunny for this ridiculous fic!


End file.
